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For Traci: Who I loved and Pushed Away

By Chad Hollis

I made a mistake

I thought you were disrupting my peace
rattling my cage, dispelling my energy
upsetting the apple cart

I was wrong like so often I am

You were the harmony, the light
and I snuffed you out, did you in
pushed you away

I keep going back
rereading your notes
not the angry ones
screeching like tires
and impacting vehicles

Notes filled with promises
declarations of love and lust
hopeful for things to come

I take them in with
subtle shades of consideration
and remember how it was

Looking through pictures
how the light reflected on your skin
the way you looked like Venus in a Cabanel
How much I wanted you then and still do

A love like that is twisted
It takes you slowly and leaves you weak
an illness that can’t be cured

It’s the ghost that haunts me
The apparition of dreams and waking
the memories of a fool forgotten

She passes through me like light refracted
memories traveling at the speed of light
All time is frozen in the moment

I know it’s over
It’s over
But love never is